Summer of Discernment

The Splinter

As I age, inexplicable pain seems the norm.  Emerging from my bed first thing in the morning I ask myself, “What’s going to hurt today?”  Lately, a throbbing in my left hip and lower back, have been my constant companions.   

This morning when I got up it came to me that while I’ve limped around favoring my left side, I’ve ignored the tiny, but consistent pain in the sole of my right foot:  a splinter. I must have favored my right foot, thus throwing my left side out of wack!

Let me tell you:  Three things I hate in this world:  Slugs, snakes and splinters, in that order (but intensely all three).   Some may wonder:  Why splinters?

Some may call me lazy, busy or oblivious. Still other, kinder friends, may call me focused.  I’d call myself all of those things.  All reasons I hate splinters.  I’d rather ignore them.  I rather not acknowledge their presence.  Minuscule, but painful splinters intimidate me.  My nemesis:  tiny, and brutal.  Normally when I surrender and acknowledge their pain, I look the other way while my husband digs the pesky thing out. 

It took days of hip and lower back pain to address the cause of my trouble and address both pains. Squeaky wheels often grease our thoughts and prayers. The symptoms of our pain may be more obvious than their causes.  I had no idea that my sleepless nights were caused by a tiny splinter.  But God knew.  While I was seemingly unconcerned about my splinter, God knew it was there.  He knew it was the cause of what I thought was the problem. I’d been lazy, busy and obvious.  I’d also been focused on the wrong pain.  

Paul’s words: 

There was given to me a thorn in the flesh, ….  Concerning this I pleaded with the Lord three times that it might leave me. And He has said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for power is perfected in weakness.”  

2 Corinthians 12:7-9

Our pain, in the end, may lead us toward our Savior. Pharisees questioned why Jesus was having dinner with Matthew and his sinner tax collector friends.  Jesus answered the Pharisees by saying,  “It is not the healthy who need a doctor, but the sick.’  At times we’d rather not admit that we are sick.  Other times we’d prefer to be left on our own to self-diagnose our ills. Hyper focusing on some pains may lead to a improper diagnosis.  Instead let’s first look to Christ.  Let’s spend time with Him.  Let’s be silent.  He will speak. He wants to make known the riches of His glory.  It is His plan to care for us.  He will strengthen us. If we depend upon self care, we will miss what He can do through us.  Let’s look to Him, who has for us much more than we can imagine.

For this reason we kneel before the Father, from whom every family in heaven and on earth derives its name. We pray that out of His glorious riches He may strengthen us with power through his Spirit, in our inner beings, so that Christ may dwell in our hearts through faith. And we pray that we, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the Lord’s holy people, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge—that we may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God. Now to Him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, to Him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever!   Amen.   Ephesians 3:14-21

Summer of Discernment: Not in my front yard

During spring and early summer Joe, Kate and I spent countless hours in our garden. We cleared leaves, planted bulbs, nurtured seeds, tended plants and began our annual war on weeds.  We puttered and pondered on what we could do to make our property more beautiful.

And then.  In order to maintain a nearby bridge, our county closed a main artery into and out of our town. Our town is a bedroom community for a much larger city to the north. The closure meant the road in front of our house would be the major artery to the big city.  We endured traffic jams during high traffic for years.  A nuisance we’ve lived with because we love our little farm house and its property. BUT, instead of a daily average of 11,000 vehicles, we suddenly realized that twice or three times that amount would travel by us daily through the entire summer only ending in October. 

A week before the road closure, we received a thank you card from an unknown driver who weekly drove past our home.  In the card, she thanked us for our flowers, mentioning that our garden must brighten the day for hundreds (!) of commuters each day.  What an encouragement from a stranger!  Just what we needed before facing the traffic jam in our front yard.

During the first few weeks of heavier traffic, I was occasionally  encouraged by people that as they slowly drove past me yelled from their cars, “I love your garden!” or “Your flowers are gorgeous!” Joe, Kate and I continued to putter and ponder what we could do to make our yard more beautiful.

As weeks progressed and I was increasingly annoyed with the noise and general busyness outside my home. When I heard the vehicles driving by at the speed limit, I dashed outside to putter and prune until a few minutes later, cars piled up nine feet from my pruning. I imagined the drivers judged each of my pruning decisions.  Chop! Chop!  Why did she do that?  Chop! Chop! I felt their eyes on me as I went through routine gardening chores.  Their eyes accompanied me as I watered and fertilized puttered and pondered.

More weeks with more eyes on me and the constant sound.  I no longer dashed outside to join my sweet, sweet flower friends.  Even when it was relatively quiet, I took the opportunity escape to my car for a quicker drive into town.  I ignored my sweet plants who I’m sure were saying, “Look at me!  I’m beautiful!”

All the while I attended the Summer of Discernment classes.

Marilyn’s You’ve Been Lied To

I grew up believing that emotions should not inform reality.  Dire consequences followed when allowing feelings to guide decisions.  In her class, Marilyn asked us to pay attention to our emotions.  We should regard our emotions as steerage toward enlightenment. With maturity, our emotions should not be ignored. Instead we should share them with God.

If I’d listened to Marilyn, I may have understood that my discomfort while in my front yard was an invitation to interact with Jesus about the feelings. Instead I whined to my friends and family about my troubles and didn’t think to share my concerns with God in prayer. It would take the whole summer before I asked myself why I felt threatened by the roadside.

Kate’s Cognitive Bias  

Kate asked us to reject knee jerk reactions.   Pause and think (and pray).   Our biases may not support reality.  We are hot-wired to depend upon prior situations and beliefs to inform the present.  Instead of resting on the past to guide our futures, we may need to adjust our point of views based upon new understanding and what we hear from God about our situations.

Though not a knee jerk reaction to the noise, it my reaction was a reactionary. I’d allowed myself an American response. This is my land. Not your land.  Your invasion of my space is not appreciated. If I’d STOPPED and thought through my attitude maybe I would have recognized the root of selfishness.  

Gretchen’s Guided Journaling 

Gretchen led us in a discussion of the juxtaposition of boldness and gentleness which construct our lives.  When to be bold or gentle in interactions?  Should we go in with a plan or pause to ponder? We talked about the need to take time to relax, to be.  Each moment may guide us in a new direction or help us to understand that we are spot on.

Obviously, my reaction to the invasion was neither bold or gentle.  Instead I went in no direction. 

Cadences’ Discernment Circle 

 Discernment Circle reminded me that community is a significant part of our lives. It can be a great source of comfort.

After more weeks, I began to realize that while I protected myself staying inside my house, my garden was not the only thing suffering.  As I cocooned, my spiritual world shrank.  My prayers were limited to intercession for my family and closest friends.  I resisted thinking globally, preferring to fixate on the noise and confusion in my front yard.  At the time, I thought my desire to limit my prayer life was seasonal and didn’t seek for it’s cause.

Not in my front yard!

I’d spent most of the summer inside.  What eventually coerced me outside again? Was it weeds? Cooler weather?

A couple days later slowly while driving down my road, listening to the news, I thought of the challenges of immigrants.  My thoughts were “Why can’t the world be kinder to people who need their help? Why can’t we live gracefully side by side?”

I let frustration with commuter community overwhelm me. The need to protect myself distracted me.  How did I let this happen? Summer of Discernment gave me tools that may have assisted me through the summer.  I’d not taken the tools seriously.  Fixed mindset paralyzed me. I believed that I didn’t have the desire or energy to share with my neighbors.  

I internalized that my perception and gut reactions cannot always be trusted. My thoughts are always human. With reflection, and in fellowship with others, I can discern what is truly Godly and trust the Holy Spirit’s guidance toward a more balanced life. I hope that in the future I will, when needed, disregard my own bias to channel God’s love.

This fall, Joe, Kate and I will continue punter and ponder what we can do to make our place more beautiful.  While puttering and pondering, with God’s help, I plan to do a little more discerning.